August 2024 || Why Can't We Be Friends? Avoidance is not Purity

For the month of August, I’m thrilled to share one of my favorite books with you: "Why Can’t We Be Friends?? Avoidance is Not Purity" by Aimee Byrd. Some of you might recall that Mary Ukuku-Miller and I referenced this gem during our talk in 2019. It’s truly a standout.  Byrd, with her passion for fostering healthy friendships across gender lines, takes a critical look at the harm done by past teachings on this topic. She offers a Biblically grounded vision for nurturing godly relationships that benefit not only the church but also our witness to the outside world.

Over my years of pastoring, I’ve listened to people describe their a wide range of experiences they had growing up inside and outside of the church. While many of you had enriching and positive church experiences—praise the Lord!—others may reflect back with frustration or sadness on how church teachings and practices have impacted you, especially concerning friendships between men and women.  For those who carry past wounds or concerns in this area, and for all of us, I pray that this book helps clarify misconceptions and offers a refreshing, Biblical perspective on church relationships. May it inspire us to embrace and enjoy the beauty of true, sibling-like friendships within the body of Christ.

If this text does bring up some old wounds you’d like to talk about or you simply have questions about this subject, please feel free to reach out to grab coffee with me.  

Things I loved from the book:

1. She addresses the elephant in the room…"Purity":

Ladies and gents, we have some work to do to unpack the term “purity.” Byrd challenges the notion that purity can be achieved through avoidance or separation from those we deem "impure" or problematic. She argues that such avoidance is a superficial approach to purity that fails to address deeper issues of the heart and character. Byrd contends that true purity is not about isolating oneself from others but about cultivating a heart that is transformed by Christ. It involves engaging with people in a way that reflects the grace and truth of the gospel, rather than retreating from them.

2. How Byrd casts a vision for healthy sibling relationships:
Instead of avoiding relationships that seem challenging or uncomfortable, Byrd encourages Christians to engage in meaningful, grace-filled interactions. She believes that genuine friendships and relationships are opportunities for growth and mutual support in the faith.

Church, when we neglect our brother-sister relationships, we miss out on so much JOY, SANCTIFICATION, FUN…gosh the list could go on and on and on.  Personally, I am so thankful for the women in my life who I call “friends.”

3. Lots and lots of Bible!

Byrd doesn’t just throw out opinions—she backs up her views with biblical examples. She highlights how Jesus and the early Christians engaged with people from diverse backgrounds, showing that their approach was not about avoidance but about transformative interaction and witness.

4. Byrd names some challenges:

Byrd does not avoid talking about the challenges with male-female friendships, but leans into the complexities and nuance of this conversation.  However, she emphasizes that these challenges are part of the process of living out the gospel in a complex world.

5. She pushes us!

Byrd doesn’t just leave us with theoretical ideas; she offers practical advice on navigating relationships in a way that aligns with Christian values. She encourages us to examine our own hearts and motivations rather than relying on avoidance as a shortcut to maintaining purity.

Summary
I love this book.  Byrd speaks to a specific issue of the church in a way that is pastoral, Biblical, challenging, and thought-provoking.  This book challenges readers to rethink their approach to purity and relationships, advocating for a more relational and grace-filled understanding of what it means to live out one’s faith in a complex world.  Enjoy!!