God is There

Almighty God, you alone can bring into order the unruly wills and affections of sinners: Grant your people grace to love what you command and desire what you promise; that, among the swift and varied changes of this world, our hearts may surely there be fixed where true joys are to be found; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

It’s a Thursday, 2004, and I’m in class at Winter Haven High School. I’m also on the JV football team, and we have a game that night, so all the players dress up during school hours. I don’t know why, but that’s just what we did!

While I’m walking to the cafeteria to get my lunch, I hear a senior call my name. He walks up to me with a mic in his hand, puts it to my face, and asks, “So what made you wear those tight pants to school today, buddy?”

As he says that, another senior walks up. As he moves, he starts mimicking the way I walk, tugging at his pants to make them look tight. My stomach sinks as I watch the entire cafeteria erupt with laughter.

I see people who are supposed to be my friends, yet they look at me like they don’t even know me. They’re laughing along with the others, making a mockery of me.

I feel all alone.
I need help.
I need protection.
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In my younger years, I was a talented kid. I sang in the choir, and on the side, I worked on music with some friends of mine (one of whom I wouldn’t consider a friend these days, but I digress). I loved music. At that time, it was the only place I could fully express myself—my feelings.

I was the kid who was cool enough to talk with the cool kids but didn’t quite fit the look to hang out with them. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to make music, have the prettiest girl holding my hand, gain the respect of the toughest guys, and be admired like I admired them. That desire stayed with me for most of my life.

I was also a believer, and like any high school kid, I was just trying to figure it all out. But at that age, God didn’t really feel present to me. With all the torment I endured, it didn’t make sense—why would God watch me suffer and do nothing?

I mean, you’re God, right? Show these people who I serve. Help me out!

I couldn’t see what God was doing, and as I got older, it only got harder. I felt further and further away from Him. My eyes were locked on the affections of the world, and I wanted all of it.

Looking back at that moment in the cafeteria—I felt abandoned. I felt alone. And no one came to help me. If you had asked me back then, I would have told you, not even God.

If I didn’t feel like my God would protect me, how could I want what He wanted for me? How could I even desire what He desired?

I was just a kid, and those traumas still stick with me today… every day. To be honest, I still struggle with this because the recklessness of others has left a stain that’s hard to wipe away.
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I know God. But back then, that was what made it even more confusing—why did I have to go through so much torment?

It’s like, I know He’s real… but is He real enough to be here for me? It sounded good, but I just didn’t know.

Now, as an adult, when I reflect on my high school years, I feel this sense of vengeance. Like, now that I know better, no one will ever do that to me again.

But in those moments, God pulls at my heart and says, “Love your enemies.”

Those kids in the cafeteria caused me so much pain, so much trauma, and yet… you want me to think about forgiving them?

My heart receives it, but my flesh is weak.

This is where the real work begins—the work of loving what He commands and desiring what He promises.

I’m not here to tell you what to do if you’ve been through something similar. But I will say this—through all the questions, pain, trauma, and confusion, He is still, and will always be, there.

Know that He’s taking you on a journey—to understand who He is and why you went through those dark times.

It won’t be easy, but in the end, it will be worth it.